MorristownMemos

Have you ever noticed the slick, glossy covers lurking on store racks that lure us to buy magazines? What tantalizing topics do they offer us?

Juicy gossip about the newest glamor couples? The latest scandalous divorce? Living arrangements for newly discovered French Diplomat sex deviates?

The number one topic trumpeting from 90% of magazine covers is weight loss. How to lose weight is a more popular subject than who will run for president in 2012. Later this year everyone will know who the candidate will be. By then even more people will want to lose weight.

To the rescue, enter Dr. Oz. He is as slim as a Praying Mantis, and just as revered.

I was once addicted to his show as if I were a Twinkies or Yodels addict longing to get my hands on a Twinkie or Yodel.  If  I couldn’t watch the show one day I taped it and watched instead of preparing dinner.

Dr. Oz promised healthy, nutritious dinners with the calorie count of a steamed scrod.

Then he Oz-ified the show by adding segments describing the most important foods to add to our diets. How  have I survived so long without knowing these life-sustaining foods? Now, armed with this knowledge, how can I ignore it?

Naively, I once thought a bowl of cold cereal with sliced bananas and skim milk was a good, nutritious breakfast. But now I know that by adding wheat germ, and flax, chia and hemp seeds I will glow with good health. My hair will shine, my teeth will whiten, and my knees will think they’re 25 again.

To this breakfast if I add fresh berries, sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds I can expect to be congratulated by Willard Scott on my 100th birthday.

But does Dr. Oz have any idea about the caloric costs of these additions?

He expounds more revelations. “Nuts are amazing!” Now my day is incomplete without ingesting at least twelve cashews, two Brazil nuts, handfuls of almonds and scads of pistachios. Walnuts are no slackers, either. “Toss those into the mix,” he advises. So I do. And to keep my heart healthy I must include dark chocolate. I have added approximately 3,076 calories by gaining so much health.

And that is the solid food portion. What about liquid accompaniments? “OZ Law” dictates three or four glasses of calcium a day. These can be in the form of milk, enriched orange juice, or a large Singapore Sling with a calcium chaser.

Red wine is heart healthy too.  So I pour, twirl and delicately sip some of that brew strictly in the interest of good health, strong heartbeats and a remarkably cheerful disposition.

“How about mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks?” he asks.

I follow the illustrious doctor’s advice at the cost of adding another 5,895 calories to the day’s intake.

At my next physical exam my doctor is impressed with the results of the tests he ordered. But in a concerned tone of voice he warns, “You’ve got to lose all the extra weight you’ve put on this year.”

Now you will find me in front of the magazine rack at Kings supermarket, intently reading the headlines of those slick, glossy magazines previously mentioned. I continue to look for my right answer, right diet and right guru.

So, Dr. Oz, we had fun while it lasted. Let’s leave this relationship with fond memories.