We all get them. The bills. 
The phone, while sometimes annoying, is a reality of modern life that we say we need. So why is it that when someone seeks peace and relaxation on vacation the first thing they mention is , “…and there were no telephones!”
Isn’t a bill usually a page or two of explanations for charges? When did bills arrive in envelopes bursting with eight page analyses of your gabby habits? Every time a new bill arrives, the poor postman practically herniates his back managing the weight of it. 
With all the effort the telephone company made to get this treatise they call a bill into my hands I dutifully read it. Not just write out a check and mail it, as I usually do, but to try to understand the phone company’s billing system. What is in these pages? What makes this bill so outrageously bulky? And why is the phone company destroying the environment by killing all the trees it takes to produce the tons of paper for simple bills?
First is a quick bill summary on one page and then a breakdown of charges on the next. Quick summaries are perfect: fast and uncomplicated: to the point. The breakdown has me almost having a breakdown of my own.
Here is the line charge. That seems to be to be akin to paying a restaurant bill for the food and then having an extra charge for the grocery bill. How can a telephone work without a telephone line? Yet they expect customers to pay an extra charge for use of the line. Can I put up my own line and eliminate that charge?
The monthly access charges appear next. Does that mean that first I pay for the phone, then for the line to connect it and a fee to access the line I’m paying extra for with my telephone that I bought and paid for?
I’m surprised they don’t tack on another extra fee for listening. Can you imagine the bill reading, “Charge to think of picking up the receiver: $.25, charge for speaking, $.50 a millisecond, and if you also want to hear what the other person says, there’ll be an additional charge of $1.25 per comment.
Make way for the taxes: federal excise tax, State tax, Federal Universal Service Fee (don’t ask!) followed by a list of six more federal and state taxes of all sizes, colors and sounds. These are added on the bill so the poor telephone won’t get lonely appearing in print all by itself.
And I haven’t started on the wireless phone bill, which is attached to the other bill, and added on is the computer charges and other conveniences without which we cannot live.
My conclusion is that it is far better not to read or try to understand the particulars of your phone bill. It’s way too much money for everything, anyway, and you have to have it regardless.
Either that, or take the remaining days of your life vacationing in a location that doesn’t have telephones.
MorristownMemos 
Comments on: "TELEPHONE BILLS" (39)
Love this post. Also, lovin’ the synchronicity of my reading this today (since I just posted about paying bills). Hope you are well. All the best, Ann
Love this Ronnie! A very apt post!
Thanks you, Prachi. Sometimes the most obvious subjects make good topics for a blog!
I have nominated you for the Super Sweet Blogging Award! Go to this link for rules:http://countryliving4beginners.wordpress.com/2013/05/21/a-super-sweet-award/
Dor
Thank you so much for this lovely award! I am flattered to know that a fellow blogger considers my blog worthy of recognition.
Have you noticed that the older we get the more things like the phone bill seem incomprehensible? I read something similar the other day at least three times, but couldn’t get the hang of it and finally said, “oh, the hell with it!” Looks like I’ll just wing it. 🙂 I think the corporations are counting on us all acquiescing. So sorry. 🙂
Is that the reason?We are getting older? You mean the younger generation doesn’t have problems understanding their bills? I dunno…
Totally agree. American Express does it too. Or they did. I packed them in a while back. It certainly doesn’t encourage you to spend more. At least in my case it didn’t. More and more I think about moving to a deserted island.
Wait: before you move, ask around. I think many of us would like to go along with you.
Okay, no problem 🙂
If this weren’t so sadly true, Ronnie, it would be really funny. Great post.
Paul
Sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdity of it all…
Ronnie … the bill is a headache to figure out. I usually hand it over to my hubby to find out what they’re charging extra for now.
When they start charging me for REFUSING to answer the phone, then I’m really going to be in trouble. 🙂
Aha; so you WERE home when I called! Just kidding; I really didn’t call. But I know what you mean.
What would life be without phones? Parents take away cell phones now instead of grounding for misbehavior and this is the worst punishment available! A vacation without phones? A nightmare. A phone without a bill? A fantasy. Your phoneless post? Fantastic.
You are so sweet; thanks for your lovely comment.
Yes! Vacation without phones! Spiritually soothing…..
Indeed. And my spirit needs all the soothing it can get!
🙂
Fortunately, in France, prices are more reasonable phone. Except for those who remain attached to their phone all day 🙂
I cannot understand those people. How much is there to say, after all?
You are referring to the cell phone, which is attached to most people’s ears at all times!
Our telephone company went under a long time ago. Mobile phone companies now operating, do so on a pay-as-you-go basis here. It’s convinient. Where we have such kind of issue is in the power sector. God! Most of us are being robbed each month by the electric company with all those funny bills.
One sector or another is robbing all of us sooner or later.
My dear friend, I have nominated you for The Super Sweet Blogging Award. Congratulations! Please visit this link:transcendingbordersblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/super-sweet-blogging-award-2/
That is very lovely of you, and I appreciate this kind gesture. If I can figure out how to add it to my wordpress widgets I’ll put it on.
That amount of explanation in a bill is akin to someone seriously replying to the greeting “How are you?”
When I taught English to foreign speakers one of the things I always told them was that when someone asks, “How are you?” the answer is always “fine.” It’s not a real question: it’s a greeting!
I’ve heard if you use a tin can and a string, the phone company will waive the line charge…
PLease try it and get back to me…
What I also find annoying is that they send one out every month. Don’t these people ever take a vacation or a day off.
Not when it’s in their interests.
this commentary is so accurate as to be frightening. This is Corporate America and we can all smile at Ronnie’s brilliant wit, bit did anyone notice that the CO2 content of our air was at an all time high and by the way, the United States is #1 on the air pollution list.
Oh, dear: and is this caused by the telephone company? I’m going back to the walk-talkie.
Oh dear, bills are ghastly.. c
…and some are more ghastly than others.
I am very lucky that John handles the bills, I am tired of them! c
Utility bills aren’t much better. Very confusing.
They must be purposely confusing so we don’t know what we’re being charged for…